Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So drunk its hurt
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
