She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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