Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
