I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
