U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
