i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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