We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
