I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
