Kiss
Puke
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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