this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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