I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
