3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
