i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
