I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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