We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
