Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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