i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
