You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
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Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
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I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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