On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
