so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Two words: blizzard sex
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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