So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
