I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
