How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
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She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
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I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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