Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
