2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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