Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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