I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
