After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
