Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
