either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
