it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
