And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
