we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
