You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Someone came in the potted fern
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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