I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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