either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
