i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
