Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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