as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
