I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
