My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
