It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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