i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
