I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
