Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
