I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
