you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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