K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
