census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
