He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I currently don't understand fingers.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
