Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
