I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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