You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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