New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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