how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
