i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
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He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
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He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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