Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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