Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We left an ass print on the piano.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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