Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Randomize
