Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He shit in the fireplace
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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