If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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