I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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