I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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