Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
