respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
